| Five-Minute Half-Blood Prince |
[Jul. 23rd, 2007|01:19 am] |
Well, we all know that a certain book has come out this weekend, so it's time to catch up on the prequel. But seven hundred pages? Who can wade through all that when we have Deathly Hollows to look forward to? So I have reduced Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince to a fifth... well, maybe a twelfth... of its original size. Let's get started (and anyone know what HP comm I should post this on?)!
Prime Minister: I really hope I don’t suddenly get attacked by a Neville Chamberlain analogue…
Fudge: Hidey-ho!
Prime Minister: GASP!
Fudge: Just popping in from the world of magic to let you know that there’s a new war going on between the guys who hate you and the guys who are merely dismissive of you. We’re the dismissive ones. Oh, and we’re losing.
Prime Minister: WHAT!? How could you be losing? I thought you won! I thought you killed Voldemort!
Fudge: Yes, that was the last time we leave our wetwork to a baby. Anyway, I suck, so I’ve been fired and replaced by this guy.
Scrimgeour: Hidey-ho!
Prime Minister: Gasp!
Scrimgeour: Hey, you spoke in lower-case this time.
Prime Minister: Yes, I’m getting used to this.
( Spoiler kills Spoiler! And more Stephanie Brown self-loathing behind the cut! ) |
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| Five-Minute Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End |
[Jun. 7th, 2007|03:55 am] |
Movie opens with several pirates lined up to be executed. This is all sad and stuff, since presumably none of them did anything too bad, despite the fact that they’re pirates. And just in case we didn’t get that this is bad, there’s a random British dude to list how their rights are being suspended.
Audience: Wait, if they’re going to die anyway, why don’t they fight back against the Brits?
Screenwriters: Because the East India Trading Corporation is so evil!
Little kid: *going to die*
Audience: Don’t you think that’s a little much for a kid’s movie?
Screenwriters: SO EVIL! On an unrelated note, would you like to buy some fine Disney™ products? Disney: Where imagination comes alive!
The pirates start to sing the song from the ride, since that is apparently their badass anthem now. In actuality, this is to activate a MAGIC COIN which will call together PIRATE CONGRESS.
Audience: SRLY?
Screenwriters: East India Trading Company! So evil! Like, OMG!( Read more... ) |
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| Five-Minute Infinite Crisis 5 of 8 |
[Jan. 22nd, 2007|03:08 pm] |
Deathstroke: Alright, I'm tired of people saying that I'm a good guy who's just misunderstood. Obviously, the best way to get back to my character's roots is to nuke an entire city.
***
Alexander Luthor: Man, this is just like that scene in T2!
Superboy-Prime: Watching Terminator movies won't help me lose my virginity.
Power Girl: Wait, I thought your master plan was to recreate Earth-2. Why are you taking time to blow up cites that are too immoral?
Alexander Luthor: It's kind of a side project. No good shows are on. Did I mention that on Earth-2, Lost airs with no repeats?
Power Girl: You're insane!
Alexander Luthor: And the only reason anyone even bothers trying to explain your continuity is because no one would be shameless enough to introduce that "iconic" costume on a new character.
Power Girl: But we can work together to get you what you want without any bloodshed!
Alexander Luthor: Bullshit! I mean, bullpuckey! This universe is so corrupt that no heroes could possibly work together! For instance, Lex Luthor was able to gather together a Society of Supervillains to...
Superboy-Prime: Umm, that was us.
Alexander Luthor: Right, well, the Spectre turned evil because Eclipso seduced him, thus...
Superboy-Prime: Also on us.
Alexander Luthor: Right, well, Batman created the OMACs, which have since turned corrupt and...
Superboy-Prime: All us.
Alexander Luthor: Interstellar war broke out...
Superboy-Prime: Us.
Alexander Luthor: Nightwing got raped!
Superboy-Prime: ...
Alexander Luthor: You see!? And now we'll save the whole of the DC universe from lousy writing! By the way, as long as I'm here, I think I'll molest you some with my hot, morally-superior Earth-2 make-out session!
Power Girl: Your kiss puts women to sleep? That's both disturbing and unintentionally hilarZZZZZZZ.
Alexander Luthor: ...
Superboy-Prime: ...
Alexander Luthor: So, anything good on TV?
Superboy-Prime: No. Can I go beat up Superboy now?
Alexander Luthor: I see no way that that could give away our master plan. Get to it!
( Read more... ) |
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| Five-Minute Infinite Crisis 4 of 8 |
[Oct. 19th, 2006|07:11 pm] |
Random Exposition-Delivering Civilian 1: The Society is attacking San Diego!
Random Exposition-Delivering Civilian 2: Weren’t they content to let us off with having the Chargers as our football team?
***
Society of Supervillains: For the thousandth time, Aquaman, we’re tired of seeing your Namor impression!
Aquaman: IMPERIOUS REX!
***
Spectre: I just picked up an entire city in my hands and crushed it! This would be really scary if I weren’t wearing green man-panties!
( Read more... ) |
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| Five-Minute Infinite Crisis 3 of 8 |
[Oct. 16th, 2006|05:14 pm] |
Ellen: Hey honey, wanna waste time with a domestic scene?
Animal Man: Go ahead. No one cares about me unless I’m being written by Grant Morrison anyway.
***
Firestorm: You ever feel like the story is too bloated?
Supergirl: What do you mean?
Firestorm: I mean, the same situation that affects Animal Man also needs SUPERMAN’s help. For God’s sake, they brought back Captain Carrot and his Amazing Zoo Crew over in Teen Titans. Is there a single character in the universe who hasn’t been shoved into this crossover?
Ambush Bug: Howdy!
Firestorm: Oh no! We are NOT going to be breaking the fourth wall on this Fiver! Quick, switch to the next scene!
( Read more... ) |
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| Five-Minute Infinite Crisis: Part 2 of 8 |
[Oct. 11th, 2006|07:19 pm] |
SUPERMAN: So, guys, here’s the wreckage of the Watchtower.
BATMAN: Yup. Any context for this given?
WONDER WOMAN: No, the reader would have to buy one of the five trillion lead-ins to Infinite Crisis to figure that out.
BATMAN: So, how ‘bout instead of actually, you know, doing something, we all just become talking heads and bicker for the rest of the issue.
WONDER WOMAN: Alright. Superman, you’re a dick.
SUPERMAN: You’re a bitch. And Batman’s paranoid!
BATMAN: You haven’t inspired anyone since you died. Except for all the times that you did.
SUPERMAN: Yeah, well… your mom dresses you funny.
BATMAN: Damnit, wouldn’t you be scared of a man who wears his underwear on the outside if YOU were a criminal?
SUPERMAN: Anyhoo, Wonder Woman, people are scared of us because they saw what you did to Max Lord. So I’m not so mad as you for killing someone so much as I am that you got caught.
( Read more... ) |
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| Five-Minute Prelude to Infinite Crisis (Not-Quite-Infinite-Yet Crisis?) |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|02:09 pm] |
Majel Barrett: Previously, in the DC universe...
***
Fans: We want happier, lighter superheroics! More heroes that are fun to read about, like Steph!
Dan Didio: *kills Steph*
Fans: And Blue Beetle!
Dan Didio: *kills Blue Beetle*
Fans: And... Booster Gold?
Dan Didio: *makes Booster Gold a jerk*
Fans: Whew.
Dan Didio: *kills Booster Gold anyway*
Fans: WAH!
***
Dr. Light: It's raping time!
Sue Dibny: I'm marginalized!
Green Arrow: Hey guys, let's not mind-wipe him. It could lead to repercussions down the line.
Superman: C'mon, what are the chances that this would prove some kind of slippery...
Batman: Hi guys!
JLA: GET HIM!
***
Jean Loring: All work and no cock makes Jean something something.
The Atom: Go crazy?
Jean Loring: DON'T MIND IF I DO!
***
Donna Troy: Hold on, I realize all these female heroes dying may seem bad, but really, DC is in no way misogyn...
Superman Robot: BEEZAP!
Donna Troy: Oh, fuck all you guys.
***
Spectre: I am the instrument of God's wraith. There is nothing that can desuade me from my holy mission.
Jean Loring: Hey Spectre, LOOK AT THESE HOOTERS!
Spectre: *sproing*
Jean Loring: Hey sexy embodiment of cosmic justice, wanna destroy all magic?
Spectre: DO I!?
***
Shadow Pact: We really have nothing to do with the main plot except in the most arbitary way.
***
Adam Strange: Same here.
***
Max Lord: I'm evil now! Err... I've been evil all along, but metatextually, I'm evil now!
Wonder Woman: *crick*
Max Lord: I'm dead now!
***
Superman: Murder is wrong! Bad wrong! Wrong bad!
Wonder Woman: Like that time you killed three Kryptonians?
Superman: That point renders my entire argument invalid, so I choose to retcon it out of continuity.
Emoboy-Prime punch: Fuck you, Bryne!
John Bryne: I probably had this coming.
***
Jason Todd: Hey, guess what, I'm alive!
Batman: Whew, luckily I've got a back-up Dead Robin for just such an occasion!
***
Batman: I'm going to create a super-intelligent, self-aware computer with an easily corruptible central objective. My studies of history show that this cannot possibly go wrong!
OMAC: You really are an idiot, aren't you?
Batman: Well, that didn't take long.
***
Superboy: I retire. But it's one of those Michael Jordan retirements.
***
Batgirl: I'm leaving to go find my birth mother.
Robin: Try not to turn evil while you're out.
Batgirl: I won't.
***
Hush: Bwahahaha, I... oh, wait, no one cares about me.
***
Lex Luthor: Superman, you will bow down before my almighty political allegory!
Superman: Wait, are you Lex Luthor or "Lex Luthor"?
Lex Luthor: To be honest, I lost track of this whole thing back in Young Justice.
***
Crisis on Infinite Earth: Oh, yeah, I'm important to this clusterfuck too.
***
Majel Barrett: And now, the conclusion... |
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| Five-Minute Fantastic Four 2 |
[May. 25th, 2006|09:25 pm] |
Avi Arad: So, Tim, how's it feel to launch a new Marvel franchise?
Tim Story: Pretty good. Everyone said I couldn't do it, after I screwed the pooch with Taxi, but I guess I showed them!
Avi Arad: Yes, you made a film that can stand proudly alongside greats like Spider-Man and X-Men.
Tim Story: Thanks, man.
Avi Arad: Now you're going to have to make a sequel that improves on the original, like Spider-Man 2 and X2: X-Men United.
Tim Story: ...crap.
( Read more... ) |
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| Five-Minute Batman Begins |
[May. 24th, 2006|01:35 pm] |
YOUNG BRUCE: Hmm... I'm growing up in an idyllic setting...
EUROPEANS: Here we come to invade and enslave you all!
YOUNG BRUCE: Oh, I'm sorry. You're supposed to be in The New World.
EUROPEANS: Do we have to? It stars COLIN FARRELL.
YOUNG BRUCE: That's your problem. Anyway, where was I?
KATIE HOLMES: Is our existence not idyllic and serene? It's be a shame if this serenity were to be shattered by some traumatic act of violence.
YOUNG BRUCE: Yes, that would be... wait a minute, I'm growing up with Katie Holmes? Holy shitI'm in Dawson's Creek!
PAULA COLE: I don't wanna wait... for our lives to be over, doo do doo do do doo...
***
BRUCE: Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! Oh, wait... it was all just a dream. Just a horrible dream...
CHINESE MAN: Well... You're safe and sound now, back in good old Chinese prison camp.
BRUCE: CHINESE PRISON CAMP!!!
( Read more... ) |
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| Five-Minute Hamlet |
[May. 23rd, 2006|09:37 pm] |
Horatio: Man, guard duty sucks. I hear this place is haunted.
Ghost: Boo!
Horatio: Zoinks! I'm outta here! C'mon Francisco.
Francisco: Roh-ruh!
* * *
Hamlet: I love you more.
Orphelia: No I love you more.
Hamlet: No, I love you more.
Laertes: I'm off to London to get my party on. Spring break, WOO!
Polonius: Speaking of partying hard, as in NOT, you've got a chaperone.
Laertes: Does he look like a bitch?
Marcellus: No. That's just pride messing with you.
Horatio: Hey Hamlet, there's a ghost that looks like your dad.
Hamlet: Cool. Wanna camp out and the backyard and wait for it to show up again?
Horatio: No way!
Hamlet: Would you do it for a Scooby snack?
( Read more... ) |
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| Five-Minute X3 (no spoilers) |
[May. 7th, 2006|07:34 pm] |
In the tradition of Five-Minute Voyager, a fiver of X3... before it is EVEN RELEASED.
Xavier: Insert narration here.
***
Logan: Man, Jean being dead really sucks, doesn't it?
Scott: Yup.
Emma Frost: Hi boys.
Scott: AWOOGA! AWOOGA!
***
Logan: So, not only did I get my own spin-off, I'm being paid twice as much.
Storm: That's nothing. I'm getting four times as much for every minute I'm on camera.
Xavier: Storm, come quickly. There's a very dangerous mission only you can complete. In fact, it's almost certain you won't survive.
Storm: But...
Xavier: Take the old X-Jet, we need room for the new, sleeker design. See if you can get it dumped for insurance purposes.
***
Storm: Stupid Professor... now I have to pack all over a... hey, what are you doing in my room?
Angel, Beast, Gambit, and Colossus: Hi, we're new.
( Read more... ) |
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| Five-Minute Fantastic Four |
[Mar. 12th, 2006|02:24 pm] |
FOX: Don't worry, fanboys, we intend to stay very close to the comics.
DOOM: Sue, honey-bun, how are my stocks doing? Shit! My hand! Organic metal!
AUDIENCE: What the hell is this?
*
REED: Mr. Doom, I want to go into space. We'll be taking my best friend, my ex, my ex's current boyfriend (that'd be you), and my ex's brother.
DOOM: Nepotism much?
*
JOHNNY: I hate you!
BEN: I hate you more!
DOOM: Reed, you've assembled a crack team.
( Read more... ) |
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