| Straightman!'s Top Ten ways to writing not racist (and how to write black people good too!) |
[Jul. 7th, 2007|08:37 pm] |
Disclaimer: I know this may seem obvious, but this is intended to be funny. I’m saying that right off the bat so no one can say “I’m offended!” And then I’ll say “It's just a joke.” And then they’ll say “Oh, now that I call you on your racism, you’re going to play it off as a joke? DEFRIEND!” Nope, right off the bat, joke, funny, haha, laugh. And anyone who says “well, jokes can still be offensive” will be expected to account for that time they laughed at jokes about child abuse.
Now, there’s been a lot of talk about this next song. This song is not a rebel song. racism in fandom. Well, since I’m a white man, I thought I’d begin to seek redemption for kicking that whole thing off. At first I thought of moving to L.A., starting a detective agency, slaying demons, having a son with a vampire, having that son grow up in a hell dimension, eventually going to work for a demonic law firm, but as it turns out someone beat me to it. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Alfred Molina. You think you’re so cool…
So instead I thought I’d teach people how to write fanfic that isn’t racist. “But ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) teh_no,” you say, “how do we know you don’t indulge in stereotypes, being a white man from the South and all?” Well, how many of you guys have written interracial lesbian RPF with Terminators? No one? That’s what I thought. If that, and my impressive command of ebonics, isn’t enough, I would just like to prove I’m not racist by saying that I have a lot of black “homeboys” who like to “chill” in my “crib” while drinking “gin and juice.” They think I’m “all that and a bag of chips.” I’m “down” with the “brothas,” “yo.” (Okay, the lame white guy using black slang stopped being funny about five years too soon for this bit to be amusing, so I’m gonna stop and get to the list.)
Here are some things you might want to watch for while writing POCs in fanfic.
1. Black men love KFC.
I know, I know. Who doesn’t love that tender, golden, crispy chicken-fried crust over succulent meat, with a side order of coleslaw, mashed potatoes, popcorn chicken, corn on the cob, biscuits, and many other delicious and affordable dishes? However, saying they love it is racist. So just let the reader assume that black men, like everyone else, love KFC. We don’t need it spelled out for us.
2. Black men, due to their race, have unusually large cocks and robust sex drives.
This is fandom, so everyone has unusually large cocks (except the women… usually) and robust sex drives. So, no worries there.
3. Black men find white women attractive.
Of course, most people do, owing to a white-centric image of beauty that values thinness, large firm breasts; long, silky hair; moist lips, slightly parted; luscious tan thighs; sultry dark eyes with a come-hither stare that promises a garden of erotic delights to anyone they gaze upon…
Guns are also sexy.
Anyway, whether you’re writing Cordy/Gunn or Sam/Teal’c, it’s a good idea to watch yourself so that the black guy isn’t talking about how awesome it is that his love interest is white. Unless you’re writing Kong/Ann, where it’s kind of the point.
4. Black men love picking cotton.
Again, this is an easy mistake to make, since cotton-picking is a very popular subject for fanfic. But no, many black men do not particularly enjoy picking cotton. Include a wide diversity of opinion on cotton-picking in your fic.
5. Black men always speak in ebonics.
This is especially important when it comes to alien POCs. Now, who can tell me what’s wrong with this dialogue snippet featuring Ronon Dex, alien from another galaxy?
Ronon Dex: Fo shizzle, mah nizzles? Yo yo yo, Dex is in da hizzouse! John, my main man, you wanna come to my crib later on and hear yourself some P. Diddy muzak?
I think we can all see the problem here. Black men hate the weak rhymes and watered-down funk of P. Diddy music just like the rest of us. Adjust your writing accordingly.
6. The “magic negro” (I’m not racist, that’s the name of the trope!)
A lot of time, you see writers trying to include empowered black characters by giving them “magic powers.” Then they turn right around and have them use their super-special awesome powers exclusively to help whitey. They usually don’t even have a good reason to help whitey, except for whitey being so gosh-darn special. Even though they’re technically powerful, they have no agency of their own. They’re just a walking, talking, black plot device. Give your POC his own initiative and reason to do what he’s doing.
Whoa. That one was serious.
7. Rule of Thumb
A lot of racism boils down to comparing POC to animals. They’re more connected to nature, they’re more “low,” they’re more bestial. So a very easy rule of thumb is just to check your writing against that. Am I comparing a black man to an ape to make the point that he’s powerful? Probably a bad idea. Maybe instead you should compare him to a bulldozer. Ain’t nobody gonna say bulldozers are racist.
Now, this may lead to problems if you’re writing a fic where everyone is puppies. But then, why are you writing a fic where SG-1 are puppies in the first place? Damnit, now I’m all curious to what kind of puppy Jack would be. Maybe some kind of Schnauzer?
 
Separated at birth?
8. Baby steps.
Having a hard time writing about obvious POCs (PsOC?)? Well, simple solution. Work your way up to writing POCs by writing about coded characters first. For example, did you know that Admiral Adama on popular sci-fi television drama Battlestar Galactica is played by Hispanic actor Edward James Olmos, who is Hispanic? It's true! Or, as EJO might say, es trué! So you see, if you've been writing Admiral Adama, you've been writing POC all along. Now you just have to do the same thing for Dee or Sharon or that one black guy who revealed that Adama started the Cylon War which is still bullshit.
Have you been writing Michael Scofield on the hit FOX television series Prison Break? If so, you've already been writing a POC! Wentworth Millar is biracial! Good for you! You're more progressive already and you didn't even know it! Now write about Sucre or C-Note. Because who wouldn't want to read or write fic about Sucre and Maricruz?
Or write about Lana Lang, who is played by non-white actor Kristen Kreuk. Okay, let's not get carried away here. Keep writing about Chloe.
9. Fake it till you make it.
If the heat's getting to you, just say "Stargate Atlantis is racist!" That oughtta divert their attention to someone who doesn't think Tyrese playing a soldier in Transformers is racist because it's perpetrating the stereotype that all black men are "violent thugs."
Note: You are still allowed to write novel-length fics about how much John and Rodney would love each other if John was an Immortal and Rodney was a Watcher after you call SGA racist. But now, every so often you have to make a post complaining about how Ronon doesn't get enough lines.
Note 2: This is not to be confused with covering for how you called SGA misogynistic, in which case you're going to have to complain about how Teyla and Elizabeth don't get enough lines. If you mix those two up and complain that SGA is racist because Elizabeth doesn't get enough lines, people are going to think something's hinky. If that happens, the sharks are circling, and all else fails...
10. The one surefire way to prove you’re not a racist.
Okay, this is the good stuff. I didn’t want this away too soon, so if you’re read this long, congratulations, you’ve earned the awesome power of non-racism. Are you ready? Here it is:
Give yourself an anti-racism icon.
But make sure the font is large enough to show that you don't think racism is like a little boy catching butterflies. Which it is... IF THAT LITTLE BOY IS HITLER!
Simple, effective, unstoppable. Use it to say “Hell yeah!” anytime someone on your f-list hates on racism. And if you make a post about how racism sucks during the next “Blog Against Racism” day or week, you’re bulletproof, baby.
Follow these simple tips and no one will ever accuse you of being racist again*.
*Unless they're racist against white people. |
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