| Five-Minute V For Vendetta |
[Mar. 11th, 2006|12:12 pm] |
In fivers, pretentious movies from hack filmmakers are reduced to five-minute versions of their original length. How is this possible? Superboy Prime punched space-time in the balls (ha! That still never gets old).
POLICEMAN: Ha, we are going to rape you! Because only in a dystopian future would cops be corrupt.
EVEY: Yes, if only the world would embrace anarchy, then everyone would work together.
POLICEMAN: And I guess I'd stop being a rapist. Oh well, time for raping.
V: This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vangquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.
V: Today's episode of V For Vendetta is brought to you by the letter V.
***
AUDIENCE: Wow, Hugo Weaving... we'd feel sorry for him being in this piece of crap if he hadn't agreed to work with the Wachowski Brothers AFTER making The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions.
HUGO WEAVING: I never learn, do I?
***
V: Welcome to my clubhouse. For the entire movie, I'm going to be a badass by pretentiously quoting poetry and whatnot and never giving a straight answer. Thus will you be enlightened.
EVEY: Okay, what's the first lesson?
V: Wax on, wax off.
***
ALAN MOORE: Hey, I'm Alan Moore.
WACHOWSKI BROS: We're the Wachowski Brothers.
DOT: And the Wachowski Sister, Dot.
ALL: And we're here to blow your mind with some hard-hitting philosophical truths!
AUDIENCE: The Wachowski Brothers and lots of philosophical naval-gazing... how could we go wrong?
ALAN MOORE: How's this... Nazism is bad! Ha! Have I blown your minds, squares?
AUDIENCE: Wait, isn't it a bit intellectually dishonest how you sell the benefits of anarchy by contrasting it to Nazism? I mean, I think just about any sane individual would prefer any system of government to Nazism.
ALAN MOORE: You know, you make a very good point... RELEASE THE HOUNDS!
***
EVIL CONSERVATIVES WHO ARE REALLY NAZIS: Boo! Haha! Look at us, all evil in our conservativeness. Remember, the secret dream of all conservatives is to throw all the homosexuals, black people, and Jews into camps.
ALAN MOORE: Making value judgments about a whole group of people and hating them for their beliefs is wrong.
ALAN MOORE: Fucking Republicans.
***
V: I will not only fight the Nazis with vigilante actions, but also by debasing their core beliefs, thus defeating them both physically and philosophically.
EVEY: Sooo... you're basically just a British Billy Jack?
V: I'm going to lock you up without food or water now.
EVEY: To enlighten me?
V: Yeah, sure. Whatever.
***
V: Alright, Evey, now stay in there until you agree with my personal beliefs.
EVEY: Wait a minute... isn't that brainwashing? Exactly what the Nazis did to you? In fighting them, have you become worse than the terror you claim to combat? In fact, in attacking and liberating a people from a government system you personally dislike but that seems to work for them, aren't you doing exactly what Bush is doing in Iraq, with less justification?
V: Evey, Evey, Evey... I can't answer those questions. But I can expect you not to ask them and instead follow me in a messianic fervor.
***
VOICE OF SOMETHING-OR-OTHER: I love dolls.
V: I'm going to use that to destroy you, FREAK!
ALAN MOORE: Remember, hating people for being different is wrong.
***
PRIEST: Ha! I'm in league with the Nazis! I also like whores, so I'm a hypocrite as well.
AUDIENCE: Isn't this a bit disrespectful to the priests that risked their lives to transport Jews away from the REAL Nazis?
ALAN MOORE: Yup!
***
EVEY: Now I've shaven my heads so that I can be a tough bitch! What an innovative and original twist!
SIGOURNEY WEAVER IN ALIEN 3: Remember ladies...
DEMI MOORE IN G.I. JANE: Bald is beautiful.
***
ALAN MOORE: Once more, condemning people for who they love is wrong.
LEAD EVIL GUY: I'm in love with a computer.
ALAN MOORE: BOO! YOU SUCK, FREAK!
LEAD EVIL GUY: Well, it's better than the time I introduced her to my parents... can I help it if she's not Jewish?
***
V: I wear a Guy Fawkes mask.
AUDIENCE: Wait a minute, wait a minute... You've made a movie glorifying a REAL LIFE act of terrorism? What kind of sick freaks are you people? In four hundred years, are you going to remake this movie with V wearing an Osama Bin Laden mask?
ALAN MOORE: No, no, no... well, if it makes money, sure...
***
V: Now I'm going to break into a TV station and broadcast out over the airwaves to tell people that they're living immoral lives and have to change.
EVEY: So you're basically a televangelist?
V: No! I'm just going to tell the people that they're fat slobs and have to get off their asses and change!
EVEY: So you're Richard Simmons?
V: ...Goddamnit Evey.
***
WARNING! HERE COMES THE BIG PLOT TWIST! DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE THE SHEER FORCE OF ALAN MOORE'S AWESOME WRITING SPOILED FOR YOU!
ALAN MOORE: Hey! V used to be in a concentration camp! But you never see his face, so he could be gay or black or a Jew. Isn't that progressive of me? And you can just fill in whichever minority is least offensive to you.
AUDIENCE: Are you sure this isn't a cheap ploy to get out of writing an origin, since you can't write one that will be satisfying?
ALAN MOORE: Hahahaha... RELEASE THE DOGS!
***
V: Now I'm going to throw an entire city into disarray with an act of terrorism because I don't agree with their morality.
9/11: Uhhh... hello? I'm standing right here. Hello?
***
WOMAN: Help me! My husband was killed and I'm being raped in the rioting that V is directly responsible for!
V: Don't worry... all the personal consequences of my actions can be glossed over in the film.
EVEY: But what about all the people you've killed?
V: Evey, to bring about my new world order, some of the old order has to be cleansed away. I was only doing what was necessary to bring about a utopia... of blonde, blue-eyed Aryans. I just compared myself to a Nazi again, didn't I?
EVEY: Yep.
V: I gotta stop doing that.
***
V: Evey... I'm dying!
EVEY: But why?
V: Because the heroes always die in pretentious, metaphor-laden films.
JOEL SILVER: It's what differentiates serious works of art from effects-driven, mindless action movies... or so I'm told.
V: Evey, you have to take my place. But don't look under my mask.
EVEY: I already know what you look like, Hugo, we all do. You were in the two most epic trilogies released in recent years.
V: No, not that. I have a really big zit.
EVEY: Oh. Okay.
***
META-AUDIENCE: Wow, I'm impressed. Teh_no's gotten through this without making a single "Mr. Anderson" crack.
TEH_NO: Give me a little credit. I'm above such lowest common denominator antics.
***
V: I swear, the thing has its own skeleton structure.
EVEY: Uh-huh.
V: I tried to pop it the other day and it said “Hands off, buddy!”
EVEY: Alright! I get it!
***
EVEY: People of London, fascism has been defeated for all time and anarchic paradise will reign forever. Because after revolutions, people never backslide into bloodshed and tyranny.
FRENCH REVOLUTION: Hello? I'm standing right here.
***
PEOPLE OF LONDON: We will now all wear Guy Fawkes' masks to symbolize our collective enlightenment.
FANS: Boo! Hiss! This is a crime against Art itself!
AUDIENCE: Wait a minute... where'd they all get the V masks?
EVIL CONSERVATIVES WHO ARE REALLY NAZIS: Argh! They have enlightened ideals! That is more than a match for us having thousands of endoctrined shock troops! Run away! Run away!
***
META-AUDIENCE: That's all well and good, but it seems to be missing something.
TEH_NO: Alright, fine...
***
EVEY: Ride me, V. Ride me like Seabiscuit.
V: Didn't you hear? I might be gay!
(V is really Evey's dad at Ludricious Speed)
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