| Everything Warren Ellis Has Ever Written: The Comic Book! |
[Jan. 22nd, 2007|03:23 am] |
PAGE 1
PANEL 1 – A man buttons a white dress shirt.
CAPTION: I thought I had gotten out scott free.
PANEL 2 – The man buckles his black leather belt over black pants.
CAPTION: But you can never escape your past.
PANEL 3 – A black tie is straightened.
CAPTION: Now, I have to come out of retirement…
PANEL 4 – A gun is shoved into a shoulder holster.
CAPTION: To settle the score… ONE. LAST. TIME.
PANEL 5 – Sepia-tinted, we see a flashback to this character’s genesis. Warren Ellis is holding a video box to an eighties action movie.
ELLIS: (thought bubble) Dolph Ludgren, eh? How bad can it be?
INTRO TEXT: JACK DEATH is! Grizzled But Generic Badass Spydude!
PAGE 2
PANEL 1 – A dark, misty street. A man stands on a street corner, under a street lamp. We shall call him FUCKWIT.
PANEL 2 – Another man approaches Fuckwit. This man is more gristled and badass. He wears a trenchcoat and chain-smokes. The only time a cigarette is not in his mouth is when he is disposing of an old cigarette or lighting a new one.
MAN: Fancy a fag?
PANEL 3 – The Fuckwit looks at the new man, aghast and horrified.
FUCKWIT :W-w-what?
PANEL 4 – The man is holding out a package of cigarettes.
MAN: Oh, you thought I meant a male homosexual. No, I meant cigarette. Because I’m British and that’s what we Brits call a cigarette. Fag.
PANEL 5 – The Fuckwit shrugs.
FUCKWIT: Oh, okay.
MAN: So… you got a girlfriend?
PANEL 6 – A septia-tinted flashback, similar to Stone’s origin. We see Warren Ellis observing a caricature of himself (the kind you might get done on a street).
ELLIS: Need to think up a new character… but who? WHO!?
BIG INTRO TEXT: ELIAS WARRENSON is! Chain-smoking British Mary-Sue! In a trenchcoat!
PAGE 3
PANEL 1 - Elias and Jack are standing in front of a prisoner, who is tied to a chair. The man has obviously been horribly beaten. Jack wears a rumpled black suit and tie, while Elias is dressed in a trenchcoat and smoking a cigarette.
ELIAS: Oy, that blighter ain’t gonna tell us square one if we don’t chap his saddle first!
JACK: What the hell!? Speak English, you fucking piece of shit!
ELIAS: That was English! The Queen’s English! Did you forget I was British?
PANEL 2 – Elias pulls something out of his trenchcoat pocket.
ELIAS: And that I wear a trenchcoat?
PANEL 3 – We see that the object is a lighter. Elias lights his cigarette.
ELIAS: And that I like to smoke?
PANEL 4 – Jack nods.
JACK: You may be a right bastard, Elias, but any Special Forces unit would be lucky to have you on their side. You’ve obviously had hundreds of girlfriends.
ELIAS: Yes. And not seven of them had an Adam’s Apple.
PANEL 5 – Jack turns back to face the prisoner.
JACK: Alright, scumbag! You talk right now or I’m going to do something grim and gritty!
PANEL 6 – The prisoner looks wildly at Jack.
PRISONER: But I haven’t done anything! I have rights!
PAGE 4
PANEL 1 – Jack gets right in the prisoner’s face.
JACK: I’m so badass, I don’t care about your rights!
JACK: Elias, pants him.
PANEL 2 – The prisoner has been stripped of his pants and is being held down by Jack.
JACK: Ay, now you’re gonna get a load of Queensbury Street gum, by Zeus’ beard!
PANEL 3 – Jack unzips his pants.
JACK: It’s okay for me to sodomize someone, because it’s for freedom. And I’m so hardcore.
PANEL 4 – Jack ass-rapes the prisoner.
JACK: FOR DEMOCRACY!!!
PAGE 5
PANEL 1 - Jack and Elias are driving in a car, destination unknown.
JACK: I wish I hadn’t had to do that, but if the CIA was uncomfortable with my methods, they shouldn’t have killed my family.
ELIAS: Aren’t you working for the CIA?
JACK: I don’t know, I think that was four Don “The Dragon” Wilson plots ago.
PANEL 2 – More driving.
ELIAS: I know you’re so hardcore because defending the nation from terrorism demands it, but… how come you only rape men?
JACK: Shut up and keep driving.
PANEL 3 – More driving.
PANEL 4 – More driving.
JACK: You know what would be totally uninteresting?
JACK: If we were superheroes and, like, flying to someplace through the air.
PANEL 5 – More driving.
ELIAS: Yeah, or driving in a rocket-powered car or something.
PANEL 6 – More driving.
ELIAS: Or teleporting from place to place using some sort of instantaneous matter transmission software. You know, according to this Popular Science magazine I read…
JACK: That would explain why the pages were all sticky when I tried to read it…
ELIAS: There’s this researcher in Berkeley who’s very close to finding a way to…
PANEL 7 – More driving.
JACK: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, but you’re a futurist, right? I mean, you pride yourself on being on the cutting edge of all kinds of research.
ELIAS: Actually, Warren Ellis is the futurist. I’m just an authorial stand-in who gets to do all sorts of things Warren wants to do, but can’t… like have sex with Kitty Pryde.
JACK: Okay, that’s kind of creepy. Anyway, if you’re so up-to-date on all this new research… how come you don’t know that smoking is bad for you?
PANEL 8 – The car grinds to a halt. The cigarette flies from Elias’ mouth.
ELIAS: W-what?
JACK: I mean, you’re always talking about the comic books of the future and all that shit, but what’s the point if you’re not going to be around because you have lung cancer?
ELIAS: … go bollocks yourself! I’m British and I have a trenchcoat!
PAGE 6
PANEL 1 – Two men, EVIL MINIONS, are sitting and drinking coffee in a houce.
EVIL MINION 1: (coffeepot on his head) So the lice-monkeys think they can get to me, eh? I’ll banish them with cellulite!
EVIL MINION 2: Why are you always talking like that? No one talks like that. Talk like a normal person.
EVIL MINION 1: Do you despise my anguish-plosion?
EVIL MINION 2: I seriously have no idea what you’re talking about.
PANEL 2 – Outside the house. Jack and Elias approach the door.
ELIAS: Right, so we just knock on the door, serve the warrant, easy-peasy lemon-squeezy.
JACK: Sorry, not extreme enough. Remember, I’m from back in the day when real men did spy stuff, and they really overthrew governments and deposed democratically-elected leaders under the auspices of fighting Communism!
ELIAS: Right. Why is that a good thing again?
JACK: X-TREEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEE!!!
PANEL 3 – Jack kicks the door down, gun blazing. Elias follows behind him, also shooting.
JACK: Taste my hot lead bukkake of justice!
ELIAS: Spot of the tea, motherfucker?
PANEL 4 – The Evil Minions dive for cover.
EVIL MINION 1: Shitsicle! They know our one weakness is a multitude of ballistic punctures!
EVIL MINION 2: Shit! Fuck! Call 911!
PANEL 5 – Jack and Elias continue shooting.
JACK: Joke’s on you two freedom-haters! Using interrogation techniques I got from living inside a virtual reality, I sodomized your manservant into admitting that he didn’t know that you don’t not have a secret headquarters some place else!
EVIL MINION 2: (O.S.) We don’t have a manservant!
ELIAS: Daffy! That bird’s callin’ you a lying asterisk!
PANEL 6 – Evil Minion 1 returns fire.
EVIL MINION 1: It’s time for your blood to escape its conventions and encompass new genres!
EVIL MINION 2: Why is everyone talking like that!? People are shooting at us! Who has time to…
PAGE 7
PANEL 1 – A stray bullet hits Evil Minion 2’s hand, causing him to lose a finger.
EVIL MINION 2: Argh! Fuck! Fucking shit! My fucking finger!
EVIL MINION 1: Lo! Tis an indeliable injury to thine digit! I shall avenge your fingernail-forebear by planting hurt-bombs in the offenders’ chest cavities!
PANEL 2 – Evil Minion 1 rushes Jack and Elias.
EVIL MINION 1: Lumberjacks will dance on your grave and urinate mightily with the piss of too many cases of Mountain Dew!
PANEL 4 – A bullet hits Evil Minion 1 in the kneecap, slowing him down.
EVIL MINION 1: Gasp! My skin’s integrity is at a loss!
PANEL 5 – A barrage of bullets gorily blows Evil Minion 1 apart at the seams.
EVIL MINION 1: My soul is an escape pod from this mortal coillllllll…
PANEL 6 – Jack and Elias lower their weapons.
ELIAS: Those two will never vaguely threaten to possibly harm America in the not-so-distant future again.
ELIAS: Unless they’re vampires.
ELIAS: We’d better get the stakes.
ELIAS: And pee on them.
PAGE 8
PANEL 1 – Jack staggers backwards, blood spreading home a hole in his dress shirt.
JACK: Afraid… you’ll have to piss for the both of us now, Elias…
PANEL 2 – Elias cradles Jack, Pieta style.
ELIAS: You can’t die, Jack! You can’t die! There’s still more terrorists that need your rough brand of justice in this namby-pamby post-9/11 world!
JACK: I’m sorry, kid. I’m fading fast. I can’t even think up any inventive new swear words. It’s curtains for me.
PANEL 3 – Close on Jack’s eyes.
JACK: You must take my place as the Grizzled But Generic Badass Spydude in the great circle of life.
ELIAS: No. I’m not ready. I’m barely fleshed out. What personality do I have beyond being one-note Warren Ellis-y?
JACK: Silly boy. You don’t need personality or a logical premise or anything actually happening within your 22-page comic. You just need to be written by Warren Ellis.
PANEL 4 – Jack dies.
ELIAS: SHITTTTTTTTT! I mean, SHITTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEE!
PAGE 9
PANEL 1 – Elias puts on a white dress shirt.
CAPTION: I never realized there was more to life than liking cigarettes and wearing a trenchcoat. Well, except maybe for being British.
PANEL 2 – Elias buckles his black leather belt over black pants.
CAPTION: It took Jack Death to show me that there is more to life than that.
PANEL 3 – A black tie is straightened.
CAPTION: And now, every time I rape a terrorist, I’m going to be thinking of Jack Death.
PANEL 4 – A gun is shoved into a shoulder holster.
CAPTION: “Oh, yes, Jack, yield to me! Let me fill your jeweled chalice with my festive man-chowder! Oh God, I like it when you pretend you’re not Jack Death and that you don’t like sodomy!”
PANEL 5 – Elias walks away from the stripped-naked Jack, now dressed as a Grizzled But Generic Badass Spydude.
ELIAS: That mate won’t have no more use for these clothes then, eh wot wot? |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
teh_no's journal
